What Setting Boundaries Actually Looks Like in Real Life

Joleen Raquel
Jul 25
4 min read

“Set boundaries.”

Everyone says it. No one really explains what that looks like in day-to-day life.

Spoiler: it’s not always pretty. Sometimes it's awkward. Sometimes it makes people uncomfortable. And sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps you sane.

I used to think boundaries were about confrontation or cutting people off. But over time, I learned that real boundaries are more about protecting your energy before you’re depleted.

They’re small decisions, not dramatic announcements.

Here’s what setting boundaries actually looked like for me in real life—messy, human, and kind of empowering.

1. Not Replying Right Away—and Being Okay With It

I used to feel like I had to respond to every text, DM, or email the second it came in. Even when I was in the middle of something. Even when I was exhausted. I didn’t want to seem rude.

But constantly being available made me feel drained and resentful. Now, I give myself permission to respond when I have the energy.

What it looks like:

Turning off notifications for non-essential apps
Letting messages sit without guilt

What I might say:

“Hey! Just saw this. I took a little phone break this weekend—how can I help?”

It doesn’t make me unreliable. It means I’m respecting my time.

2. Saying No Without Explaining Everything

This was hard. I used to send long, anxious messages trying to justify why I couldn’t do something. I wanted to be liked. I didn’t want to seem flaky or selfish.

Now? I keep it short and honest. If I don’t have the energy or the interest, I just say so—without the extra story.

What it sounds like:

“Thanks so much for the invite, but I’m going to pass this time.”“I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I can’t make it.”

No fake excuses. No guilt-tripping myself. Just a clear no.

Reminder: You’re not responsible for how others react to your “no.”

3. Changing My Mind—and Letting That Be Okay

Sometimes I say yes to things I think I want to do, but when the day comes, I feel completely off. Before, I’d force myself to push through just to avoid disappointing someone. And I’d end up feeling emotionally hungover.

Now, I honor what I need—even if it means backing out last minute.

What that looks like:

Trusting that true friends won’t hate me for canceling
Choosing rest over social pressure
Giving myself grace when my energy changes

What I say:

“I know I said yes earlier, but I’m feeling off today and need to stay in. Thanks for understanding.”

You’re allowed to adjust. That’s part of growing.

4. Not Explaining My Feelings to Make Others Comfortable

As a chronic over-explainer, I used to spill my entire emotional backstory just to justify why I was upset or uncomfortable. It was exhausting.

Now, I keep it simple. I don’t minimize how I feel, but I also don’t perform it.

Examples of boundary-setting language:

“That didn’t sit right with me.”“I’m not comfortable with that.”“I need to take a step back.”

It doesn’t have to be dramatic. It just has to be clear.

5. Letting People Be Disappointed

Here’s the unspoken truth: when you start setting boundaries, some people won’t like it. Especially the ones who benefited from you not having any.

Learning to sit with someone’s disappointment—without immediately trying to fix it—was tough. But so worth it.

What changed:

I stopped over-apologizing
I stopped making myself smaller to keep the peace
I reminded myself: someone else’s comfort shouldn’t come at the cost of my well-being

My mantra:

“Their disappointment is not proof I did something wrong.”

6. Saying “I Don’t Have Capacity for That Right Now”

This phrase changed my life.

It’s not “I’m busy.” It’s not “I’ll try.” It’s an honest way of saying: I’m already at my limit, and I care too much to do this poorly. Funnily enough, this boundary was picked up through my corporate career of being asked if I had any "bandwidth".

Whether it’s emotional labor, work stuff, or helping out a friend, I use this when I know I can’t take on more without sacrificing my own mental health.

How it sounds in real life:

“I’d love to help, but I don’t have the capacity to give this the attention it deserves.”“I’m at my limit this week. Can we revisit this next month?”

It’s respectful. It’s honest. And it saved me from burnout more than once.

7. Curating My Space—Online and Offline

Boundaries aren’t just conversations—they’re also quiet decisions. Like muting a group chat when it’s too loud. Unfollowing people who trigger comparison spirals. Saying no to back-to-back plans.

Digital boundary tips:

Mute accounts that drain you
Unsubscribe from emails that clutter your headspace
Limit how often you check apps (screen time limits help)

You don’t have to explain or announce it. You just protect your peace, silently and unapologetically.

Final Thoughts

Boundaries aren’t some big, bold line you draw once and never touch again. They’re daily choices. They’re tiny pivots. They’re uncomfortable at first, but they make life feel more yours.

You don’t have to be perfect at it. Start small. Let it be clumsy. Say no once. Delay a reply. Protect five minutes of peace.

That’s what boundaries look like in real life.